I showed him my bush... on skype.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
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