why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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