Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize