i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
