So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
