SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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