If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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