I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
