Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Randomize
