i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
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