guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
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