Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
meet me or not, i'm out of control
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Randomize