i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
