and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
