why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Randomize
