Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
