I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
