He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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