dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Randomize
