Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
