I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
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