You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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