I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
