she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
