she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
