There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Randomize
