I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
