I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Randomize
