11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
You have to summon your inner elephant
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
