Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
porn star boner night. come get it.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
