The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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