apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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