I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
