just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Randomize
