Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
