She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
