I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
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