Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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