I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
