your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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