Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
