i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Randomize
