how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Randomize
