I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
