I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I think I just sharted jello shots
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
