Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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