i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Fuck me I smell like cheese
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
