happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Randomize
