i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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