Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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