dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
