drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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