I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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