Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
