We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Randomize
