yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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