connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
